Is it possible to be unaware of your mind until your actions form a pattern?

It is even hard for me to admit here but there has been a BIG situation at the workplace that is beyond my control. It has died down in recent weeks, no thanks to a jerk move I made during Christmas, but I firmly believe it was for the best. No stringing along anyone and giving anyone false hopes. Even though I don’t mind being friends one day, but I know I will draw a firm line when it feels too weird.

I mean, how do you become friends with someone who has a crush on you? You may friendzone the other party, but the other party will always put you on a pedestal. Trust me, I have been on the other side before and it isn’t great. You always glance at your phone for their texts and almost always reply immediately and then you arrive early at meetings even though you are usually the late one within your own group of friends. I think the time when I finally put a stop to my behaviour was when I realized it was never going to turn out the way I want it because of some certain physical flaw (I think) because we seem to chat so well. Such situations do not end well.

But a conversation with my colleague today made me think quite a bit. Coincidentally, this colleague was actually quite a front-runner but after the first month of interaction, I basically friendzoned him because of his attitude towards females. Sure, I think he looks good enough but he has only eyes for girls who looks like supermodels (me excluded, sadly) and he can be quite harsh to those who are not. Thankfully, I don’t get that harsh attitude because he will get a taste of my Scorpio-fury if he does – I have made sure of that fact. Other than that, I get pretty sound advice from him about guys even though he spends 90% of his life playing games in his room.

So, this colleague asked a series of questions about the BIG situation and I realized I wasn’t able to give a proper answer except shitty ones. It made me feel slightly superficial because they were the answers I could come up with at first. It also includes the  fact that he said a lot of my reasons were bullshit. Now after much thought, I realized there were a lot of little things that added up to the fact why I rejected the idea of it.

And the idea of the little things coming to light scares me cos it involves my new, secret friendship which I hope to maintain it as it is but certain situations seem to be forcing it to go other ways. It may be due to the fact that new, secret friend is quite similar to the BIG situation. I sincerely hope I am reading too much into this.

FYI: I blame this on the blurred lines between friendships and relationships these days. Fuck you grey areas!


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